


cicatrize

by racooning



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Domestic Boyfriends, Huening Kai-Centric, M/M, Soft Choi Soobin, Soft Huening Kai, just sookai and their midnight ice cream dates :p, some angst just because, sookai is so soft help, they talk in a language they're familiar with pt 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27006412
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/racooning/pseuds/racooning
Summary: (v.) to find healing by the process of forming scars
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Huening Kai
Comments: 6
Kudos: 59





	cicatrize

It starts out as them simply not talking about the nightmares they've both just woken up from.

And they both know the other has just had a nightmare because they have been in love for something like a lifetime now—well, not _really,_ but it certainly feels like it, some days—and they can just _tell._ And nightmares are not uncommon though they are rare, given everything they have both been through in their lives together, so they have developed something of a system for the nights where one or both of them jolt awake from them and neither wants to talk about them just yet.

They silently trudge to the kitchen and Kai makes them a pot of tea, and Soobin makes them something warm to eat, and they sit in silence in the dim kitchen and eat their food, and sip at their tea, and they hold hands the whole while as whatever it was that had plagued their sleeping hours leaves them, slowly but always surely.

After they finish, sometimes they talk about it, sometimes they just sit there and revel in each other's touch and comfort. And sometimes they go back to bed, curl around each other in silent promises to try to protect the other from whatever horrors that they can in whatever ways that they can.

But tonight they do none of the above.

They travel to the kitchen together and Kai turns the dim lights on, and he _means_ to make them some tea just as he knows Soobin _means_ to make them something warm to eat, but…

They sit down instead, and neither of them can seem to make themselves get up or do anything other than stare ahead in silence. And it is the most uncomfortable sort of comfortable silence, and Kai absolutely hates it with every single fiber of his being. But, it is easy to focus on nothing, to drift away from himself, from the moment, the memories. It is all too easy to just sit there and stare with unfocusing eyes on the space directly to the right of Soobin.

It is so easy to lose himself like that, and he hates it, but God, how it is nice to forget who he is, who Soobin is, and the kind of life they are forced to live in. And that is why he lets himself sit there like that and do nothing for some long moments because it is nice to forget. And he would never let himself admit to this in the daylight hours, but in the middle of the night, in a room that is barely lit, and with no one but his Soobin around to witness it…

It's fine.

And it is only fine because Soobin is the same way, is staring ahead with that same silent, unfocusing gaze of his. That is the only thing that makes it _okay_ , and _not okay_ at the same time.

But Kai doesn't know what to do about it make it entirely okay, doesn't know how to remedy this situation, not while he is like this.

Kai doesn't know how long they sit like that, but the only thing that snaps him out of it is Soobin moving his hand to brush over Kai's. He says nothing, but his fingers brush at Kai's, grabs his hand gently, seeking comfort at last. And that makes Kai aware of himself again, makes him aware of the fact that he does not wish to waste the entire night just sitting there with nothing.

It might just be _one_ night, and it might not matter too terribly in the scheme of things, but every night with Soobin matters tremendously in the scheme of things, thank you very much.

And so Kai takes in a breath to try to clear his head, to try to ground himself, and says the first thing that comes to mind.

Which, in this case, is not what he is expecting it to be.

"The very best ice cream in the world is a three-way tie between Baskin Robins, Ben & Jerry’s, and My mum’s homemade special," he says, voice creaky and croaky as if it needs to get used to being used again, as if it doesn't even belong to him.

Soobin blinks at him, and slowly begins to come back to life in an adorably confused way that is specifically all his. And Kai can't tell if he has fully registered just what Kai has said until a small smile finally begins to creep its way into place on his face, wiping away the distant one that had been there just the previous second.

"Maybe I'm biased," Soobin begins, still smiling. "but _I_ think the best ice cream in the world is from that place near your old school that we went to a few days ago. Remember that night? We spent the whole time down there walking around for hours talking, putting off getting dinner because we were too busy talking? And by the time we finally realized we were hungry, it was the only place still open. _That_ was hands down the best ice cream I've ever had," he insists, and he is so sure of that fact, is so convicted to his belief, that Kai begins to rethink his own opinion on the matter.

He does so remember that night very vividly, now that Soobin mentions it. It had been raining earlier in the day, and there was a hurricane rolling in that was threatening most of the city with exceptionally heavy wind and more rain, so everything was closing early. And of course, Soobin and Kai had paid no mind to such threats, had forgotten about them almost as soon as they had heard about them. Despite how chilly and windy it had gotten, they had walked around hand in hand, stopping at shops every now and then until every light they passed by was cut off and there were no more shops to stop at.

And Soobin was right, when they finally realized that they were hungry, that ice cream place had been the absolute only place that was open. Kai had offered to cook them dinner once they're back at the dorm, but Soobin had absolutely _insisted_ that they get something from there first. Because they were _there_ and it was still open, and they owed it to themselves and the owners to at least buy something to make them staying open worth it.

And the ice cream _had_ been great, there was no question about that, but, well, what had been even better was sharing their ice cream, picking out of each other's bowls and feeding each other bites of this and that and giggling between bites and kisses.

It had been such a sweet ending to a wonderful evening, and Kai could see why Soobin would choose that as his personal winner for best ice cream in the world. Because it wasn't about the ice cream itself, as much as it was about the memories associated with it.

"I think you're right," Kai concedes, and Soobin bristles with pride at that sentence. Kai smiles at him all the more as he continues, "And I think I could do with some myself right now, we still have some pints left, right? would you like some?" he asks, eyebrow quirked, hands poised over the table to conjure some up.

Soobin smiles wide at Kai, nods, and Kai snaps his fingers, and lays out bowls of their favorite ice cream flavors from that place in front of the pair of them—only a little is left inside each pint, but enough of each to share, of course.

Soobin's grin widens as he reaches for a spoon and takes a bite of the ice cream immediately in front of him—chocolate, his _favorite_ , Kai knows, smiling to himself as he grabs a spoon to snag a bite of it as well, though he's never been a fan of this ice cream flavor in particular, it somehow helps him feel closer to Soobin as he takes a thoughtful bite of it and savors it on his tongue.

And somehow, in that moment where the ice cream is melting on his tongue, he is all too aware of how easy it would be for them to fall back into a melancholic silence, each left to drown in their own thoughts and nightmares, and that would defeat the entire purpose of… _this_.

Lucky for Kai, Soobin is always one step ahead of him, and he is moving around the table to sit next to Kai instead, seat much closer to him than it probably needs to be, though far be it from Kai to say anything about it at all.

"It'll be easier to feed each other if we're right next to each other, don't you think?" he asks innocently, batting his lashes at Kai in a way that makes it hard for Kai to tell whether it is truly innocent at all or not.

Kai is still staring at Soobin with a suspicious glare when he reaches his spoon into _Kai's_ favorite, the Baskin’s Mint Choco, and turns back to him with a wicked grin on his face, waggles his eyebrows suggestively.

"Open wide," he says, and Kai very eager does as much, watching helplessly as Soobin leans in close to him, pushes the cold spoon into his mouth _slowly,_ eyes dangerously lidded as he does.

And Kai is _so_ frustrated by that look, by the way Soobin's tongue is pressing against his bottom lip, that he closes his mouth around the spoon in the most seductive way that he can, tongue lingering over it as Soobin slowly pulls it out of his mouth, and it finally pops out of his mouth with a flourish.

He sees Soobin shudder from it in the second before he is surging forward to kiss him, and Kai smiles into it, closes his eyes as Soobin deepens the kiss to steal some of his ice cream— _sneaky bastard_ , Kai can't help but think to himself as Soobin pulls back and winks at him.

Fucking _winks_ at him.

Kai swallows the remainder of his ice cream a tad bit unhappily, pouts at the triumphant look on Soobin's face, though it doesn't stay put too long; Soobin's happiness right now is far too contagious and he finds himself smiling as well, shakes his head as he reaches for a different flavor—cookie dough, another of Soobin's favorites—and brings it towards Soobin's mouth slowly but surely.

Soobin opens his mouth in anticipation, his open mouth grinning despite himself, and Kai _almost_ feels bad about it as he brings the spoon to his own mouth in retaliation instead. He is still smug about it, however, when Soobin frowns at him, the guilt and triumph going to war inside him.

"No fair!" Soobin growls—actually growls like a dog but in an adorably _childish_ way that Kai laughs at around his mouthful of ice cream.

Kai swallows his mouthful before he kisses Soobin this time, just to get even more of a rise out of him, just because it makes him nip at Kai' bottom lip in retaliation, though he kisses it away quickly enough.

"All's fair in love and war," Kai reminds him after some moments, and Soobin seems to have forgotten what they are talking about, because he looks perfectly confused at the statement. And that makes Kai want to kiss him all the more, truly.

So he does.

He leans back in, and presses his lips to Soobin's slowly, indulging both himself and Soobin in this moment. And Kai has already forgotten that this all started because of a couple of little nightmares, really.

"You're so pretty, you know that right?" Soobin murmurs when they break apart for a beat, the words coming with no other preamble.

His eyes are half lidded, but he is still giving Kai the most intense look that he is so adept at giving him; and Kai knows that he will start crying if he doesn't look away, the look is that intense, and he is so unequipped to handle it tonight of all nights.

Kai sighs and leans back in to kiss him instead, and it is tender enough that he hopes Soobin can tell how much his declaration means to him, how much it will always mean.

"I love you," Kai murmurs when he pulls back this time.

Soobin brushes their noses together in reply, and they sit there like that for another long moment, the ice cream on the table melting, though they have forgotten about it completely by now.

They _do_ go back to eating their ice cream eventually; they start giggling again, playing with the ice cream and each other gleefully. The kitchen is dimly lit, and it is quiet, a bubble of warm bliss in an awful, cruel world that they were reminded of even in their sleep. And Kai thinks Soobin is so beautiful like this: exhausted, but so fucking _happy—_ and _Kai_ is the reason for that happiness, and that is all the better.

He has ice cream on the corners of his mouth, and his lips themselves are swollen from all the lazy, soft kissing they have been doing for what could be hours at this point. His hair is still completely messed up, and he is in nothing but a thin t-shirt and slacks. He is so real, and so very _warm_ , and it is all Kai can do to keep from being overwhelmed with the reality of that.

Eventually, in the middle of all the giggling and finishing of their ice cream—and they _do_ finish all of it—Soobin licks off his spoon one final time before he drops it to the table, and stands up, holds out his hand to Kai.

Kai is still smiling, though he looks at the hand with curiosity; Soobin can't want to go back to bed already—they are much too wired for that, truly—but Kai cannot work out just what else he intends to do with that hand of his.

Soobin rolls his eyes, though he is still smiling patiently at Kai all the while.

"Dance with me," he says, voice soft and inviting, and Kai knows Soobin well enough to recognize the edge of self-consciousness in his tone as he does.

And Kai simply cannot have _that._

He grins at Soobin and takes his hand, lets the other lead him from his chair to the center of the kitchen. He pauses for a moment to pull his phone out form the pocket of his slacks, and a soft melody begins to play around the pair of them—Kai doesn't doubt that they would have faired well enough without it, but he thinks it makes for a much better ambiance if they have music playing. It is much more romantic with the music, much more… _them_.

Soobin lets out a low, appreciative hum at the gesture, leans in for a kiss—they can't get enough of each other tonight, and Kai is certainly not complaining. He locks his hands in place behind Soobin's neck, keeping the other in the kiss for several long moments as they sway slightly back and forth to the soft melody tinkling around them. Soobin's hands are around Kai' waist, grounding him in the moment by way of idly swaying Kai' hips to the slow and steady beat of the music. And Kai thinks that he simply cannot be more in love.

And then he thinks that he is wrong, because Soobin will make him fall further in love with him before the night is done, and he is perfectly alright with that.

Eventually they stop kissing, and they sway to the music slowly, idly, foreheads pressed together, eyes never leaving the other for even a moment. The idea of ever doing something this… intimate with anyone else is almost repulsive, it is unheard of, but with Soobin it is so, _so_ natural and right, and Kai thinks they could do this every night and he would never grow bored of it. It would be just as magical, just as amazing, as it is right now.

And he thinks idly, as Soobin brushes their noses together, that this is _healing_. They will have their normal routine for when they awake from their slumber in such states, and it is nice—it will _always_ be nice and Kai will be glad for it the next time they awake like that again—but _that_ is suffering together, _that_ is understanding the other's pain, and accepting it as a part of their lives.

But _this_? _This_ is healing.

_This_ is understanding that their line of works are restrictive, and hard, and there will always be suffering, both for themselves and for the people around them, but there are still small joys to be found. There is still love to give them these small bubbles of warmth, and welcoming, and understanding. There are still moments like these where they get to be idiots who are so in love with each other that it is painful sometimes, where they simply get to be Soobin and Kai, and they get to be together.

They might be different from other couples out there, and they might have to experience more pain and get scars that run deeper than they will admit some days, but right now they are slow dancing together in their kitchen, and their body is light with the ice cream they have just devoured together, and the air around them is carrying their love so delicately. And that is healing. That is hope, and it is proof that love, truly, is all that matters.

And Kai is so glad that it is Soobin who gets to remind him of that, both on this night, and for the rest of forever.

He truly wouldn't have it any other way.

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone, i'm back with a new sookai work! truthfully i don't really know what i'm doing? but i just want to share this piece with you guys. i'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts, thank you for reading ♥


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